Literal Humour
As a University lecturer I thought I’d heard every excuse and retort but these clever answers turn the table on the teacher (or demonstrate some pretty unique thinking?). Not sure I appreciate the last one though!
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Using the element of surprise to engage
I came across these British classified ads that made me laugh and wished more print advertising used the element of surprise to engage!
FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
There, their, they’re!
Now I know the title of this post sounds like an old aunt reassuring a teenager after a break-up, “there, there there, dear it will all be OK” and sadly many people might even read it that way but our fabulously tricky english language has actually given us three words that sound exactly the same but mean very different things. The problem is, it seems that the difference is no longer taught at school as anywhere between 50-100% of students I teach that come straight from their (yes, their, not they’re or there) final year of school do NOT seem to know when to use which. So apologies if I am preaching to the converted here but I just had to add a few tips to my blog in case it can help even 1 more person get it right.
Here and There
You should use there when you are refering to a physical or abstract place.
He is over there./ I will meet you there. / The cafe is there. / There is the dog.
A ‘there’ can often be replaced with a here and it will still makes sense
They are – They’re
They’re is a contraction for they are. The a is replaced by the apostrophe and the sentence should make sense if you say it out loud as they are .
They’re going to be here any minute. / They’re both coming for dinner. / They’re here!
Be possessive with their
A trick I always use is that their has an i in it so it is possessive. It is the only their with an i, which helps! Their is commonly followed by a noun and can usually be replaced with our and still work.
Their hats are on./ It is their turn to set the table. / Where are their shoes?
And now for the ultimate challenge – to wrangle all three into a meaningful sentence…..
“There is no chance they’re going to be allowed to use their ignorance of spelling to incorrectly use their, they’re and there in my class any more.”
Now for the next challenge: to, two and too!
How one letter can change a word – drastically!
The English language is endlessly fascinating (no, stick with me on this one) . Not only can one letter change the entire meaning of a word it can also completely change how it is pronounced.
Just try adding an S in front of laughter. Not only do you get another word with opposing meaning but suddenly the aught has gone from sounding like arft to ort.
Other words seem to be an almost unintentional extension of themselves. Think of how a simple rearrangement of one letter in prenatal becomes parental.
Then there are many examples of how adding a single letter can lead to new connotations, some appropriate like lean-clean, others not so like adding s to hit.
Some words share almost the same construction but surely their etymology is not related at all. Add an s to the end of needles and whilst I agree that needles should indeed be needless the two are hardly associated.
I would love to hear of any other examples anyone has where rearranging or adding a single letter can lead to interesting connections!
Can you believe what they say on the internet?
“The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying them” – Abraham Lincoln
I saw this quote on a forum and thought Bingo! It sums up the how we should treat so much of what we read online from Wikipedia to sales copy, resumes to eBay. As a lecturer I often read papers students submit that feature swathes of cut and pasted information that they obviously have not understood (or probably even read) as it is either untrue or irrelevant to the task. Yet, because it came off the internet, from an apparently well presented site, it is deemed to be accurate. Take the Kony phenomenon or the endless posers on social networks who turn out to be very different from how they present themselves. And how many ‘true’ stories do you get in your inbox about things people have done that turn out to be false….there’s even whole websites dedicated to identifying this such as: http://www.truthorfiction.com and from the internet society website these wise words:
“….the power of the Internet is like a two-edged sword. It can also deliver misinformation and uncorroborated opinion with equal ease. The thoughtful and the thoughtless co-exist side by side in the Internet’s electronic universe. What’s to be done?
There are no electronic filters that separate truth from fiction. No cognitive “V-chip” to sort the gold from the lead. We have but one tool to apply: critical thinking. This truth applies as well to all other communication media, not only the Internet. Perhaps the World Wide Web merely forces us to see this more clearly than other media. The stark juxtaposition of valuable and valueless content sets one to thinking.”
There’s an interestign discussion about whether we need a Misit=rtry of Truth for the internet by Adam Thierer on the Forbes online site:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/adamthierer/2012/01/29/do-we-need-a-ministry-of-truth-for-the-internet/
In fact, there’s so many articles on this topic that it is obviously a serious issue. And one that I think the quote in this title sums up nicely!
Beautiful!
Beautiful! It’s all good. Yeah-no. On to it! Absolutely. That’s exactly right.
Have you heard these words enough?
They punctuate our conversations to the extent that they’ve lost their meaning and have become a new version of um.
They are rarely even used appropriately.
A recent conversation overheard on the train:
“So I’ve made the booking for seven.”
“Beautiful.”
“There’s only six of us now not eight.”
“Beautiful”
“Because Jack’s dog died and he and Sandy are too upset to come.”
“Beautiful!”
At this point the exclaimer realised the inappropriateness of the answer, looked up from the i-gadget they were focusing on and retracted the last “Beautiful”…but it shows how meaningless the rejoinder is.
And how often do we hear a person exclaim: “It’s all good” after something bad.
“How’s work?”
“Yeah, got laid off last week. But it’s all good!”
It’s a short hand for “don’t go there. I’m fine” I suppose, but it would make more sense if it was followed by what was “all good” every now and then! In California they’re so chilled they’ve got the phrase down to 6 letters…
(can’t you hear the way this would be drawled)
As for yeah -no. Well which one is it? Yeah seems to be the acknowledgment that someone has spoken and the No is added when a negative is required. Although it is rarely used as a “Yeah-yeah” (Sounds too much like the Beatles)
“So do you want to head to the beach?”
“Yeah – no,”
“Did you get up to much on the weekend?”
“Yeah-no”
How often does someone actually do something after saying “On to it!”
Have you noticed that when this phrase is uttered it is unlikely to be followed by action? On to it has become a shrug-off, a way of acknowledging the request to do something without committing to the doing. In fact, “On to it” really means, “I haven’t even started it yet and I’m not likely to in the foreseeable future.” (And they always sound really positive and reassuring to get rid of you).
Which brings me to my final two: Absolutely and That’s exactly right!
Some people feel the need to interject constantly with reassurances that they agree with what you are saying and are not ashamed of a bit of tautology. Can you ever be not exactly right? (wouldn’t that be wrong?)
When sharing an opinion or a grievance you’ll often hear “Absolutely” as a form of agreeance.
“Can you believe Alan Jones’s comment about Julia Gillard’s Dad? That was shameful”
“Absolutely”
But it is also used instead of Yes.
“Are you all good for our trip tomorrow? ”
“Absolutely”
“Do you think we should take our own ski’s?”
“Absolutely”.
“And what about petrol, shall we fill up first?”
“Absolutely”
This is when it becomes redundant – and annoying!
And that’s exactly right becomes wrong when it is said over and over as well.
I think it would be a beautiful thing if we could all get on to it and absolutely make sure that exactly the right words are used to make all sentences and dialogue good so we don’t have to hear yeah-no ever again!
A capital mistake
i would like to rant a little about the misuse of lowercase i in emails, SMS and now, even reports and copy.
How can anyone take a message seriously when the person typing it cannot be bothered using a capital I ?
Why is it so hard to tap one more key to produce a capital? The iPad – and most computers, actually do it for you if you forget! Although Apple are somewhat to blame with their iPhone, iPad, iBook all using a small i and encouraging the habit.
Consider literature with an i.
From “In search of lost time” by Marcel Proust
“i seized every pretext for going down to the beach at the hours when i hoped to succeed in finding them there. Having caught sight of them once while we were at luncheon, i now invariably came in late for it, waiting interminably upon the ‘front’ for them to pass;”
Or copy in an ad
– just picture this headline (and the copy) with a lowercase i
imagine this headline (and copy) with a lowercase
Even an apology is belittled by a little i
i am really sorry i forgot your birthday. i know how important it was to you and i do consider our friendship very important and i will never forget again.
In all three examples the integrity of the message is compromised and the sincerity diminished all because of one little I.
The problem is that once we let the I slip, what next? capitals at the start of sentences? Names in all lower case? And don’t even get me started on the loss of punctuation which stems from the loss of actual words. r u with me?
All those in favour of correct capitalisation, say I!
(Better still, type it.)
If you follow The Australian Open and the tennis tour you may want to take a look at this informative blog from a Pro on the inside!
AUSSIE Men RAP DAY 1 & 2
Day 1 and the first Aussie to hit the courts was Greg Jones – the big-serving tall right hander from New South Wales. In the draw courtesy of a wildcard Jones was drawn against fast rising Ukranian star, world number 13 Alex Dolgopolov. Jones got off to a flying start with the Show Court crowd behind him taking the first 2 sets. Jones needed to get the trainer to treat his blisters – one of the curses of hardcourt tennis – and of 5 set matches at the change of ends following the second set. He lost the next 3 sets to go down 1/6 4/6 6/1 6/1 6/2. Close – but no cigar and Jones may well rue this missed opportunity.
The only other Aussie in action (apart from Bernard Tomic -whose memorable 5 set epic over Fernando Verdasco is treated in…
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Onomatopoeia
She slammed the orange at the door. It went splat. She watched as the juice and flesh ran down the cedar panels like phlegm. He smirked at her reaction. He knew he’d been a sod but didn’t expect her to be so shattered.
Words that evoke feelings, smells, sounds or sensations can carry a lot of weight. Bam! So much inferred. Thwack. Don’t need to explain. Often seen in cartoons but rarely used in speech, onomatopoeia can be the best friend of a writer on a tight word count.
I particularly like the way the words form the sound such as:
Cuckoo
Whoopee
Woof
Boo-hoo
Ahchoo
Bubble
Rattle
Plop
If you want a great source of loads more check out: http://www.examples-of-onomatopoeia.com/index.htm
I’d love to collect more examples – particularly any that appear in sentences or poems so please share!.
Words with Wings: Elevating writing 