Posts filed under ‘Language twists and turns’

Loving language like a lexophile

I found out the other day that I am a lexophile. A colleague sent me some “Friday Funnies”  and I was thoroughly entertained by the twists on words and phrases and delighted to find out there is even a term for these figures of speech which feature an unexpected ending: Paraprosdokians .

I thought I’d share a few here in case anyone else enjoys them:

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
  • Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Circumference.
  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
  • A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  • A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show you A -flat miner.
  • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  • A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • A calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
  • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
  • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
  • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
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August 10, 2016 at 8:33 am Leave a comment


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